Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
