ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
