I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
