yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
