yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
