we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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