The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
