You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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