getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
