i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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