Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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