I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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