I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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