Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
