This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
