I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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