he puts the penis in happiness.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
