I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
