you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
