Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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