yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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