plz talk dirty to me
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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