Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
