My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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