I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
