how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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