I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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