My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
