I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
