Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize