I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
