I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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