I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
