When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
