I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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