Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
