I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
