He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
