There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
