sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
