the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
