is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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