a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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