he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
