finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
