party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
