I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
