its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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