Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
