My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize