im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
