My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
