I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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