I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
