Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
