I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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