well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
