Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
from now on my penis is your penis
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
