Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
