I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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