i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
