i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
