Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
