quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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