MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize