I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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