we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
