I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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